booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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