did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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