I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Semen is not good for contacts.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
