I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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