Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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