Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
it was like eating out sand paper
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
