Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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