I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
