Swine flu is the new snow day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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