hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think I just sharted jello shots
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
