I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
