ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
