and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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