the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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