My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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