omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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