I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
