new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
