Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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