My room smells like vodka and shame
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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