apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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