Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
