i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
