I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I bet he comes in French.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
