everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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