i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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