He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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