the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
