I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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