I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i've created a new STD.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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