What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
