I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
