Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
