Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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