Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
