I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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