Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
