my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
