apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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