Soap is not a condiment
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
