My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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