Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
