I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
