No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
