my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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