I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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