Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
