I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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