last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
