you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
